Friday 13 November 2015


Help - a crisis of confidence!
Those of you who follow my blog will know that last year I wrote over fifty thousand words of my novel during November as part of NaNoWriMo 2014. It felt good to get immersed in the story lines and get to know the characters really well. Sometimes they surprised me by going off and doing or saying things I hadn't expected. I felt a real sense of achievement and was convinced that I was well on my way.

I knew there'd be things to change and there'd be plot holes I needed to fill; that's the nature of the beast when you write without stopping to edit. A slogan "Don't get it right. Get it written." was firmly embedded in my mind's eye. I would use Nano this year to finish the first draft and then write short stories in the rest of the time. After all I was so close, wasn't I? So why am I feeling so insecure and wracked with self-doubt this time around? I haven't got much more to write, I thought I knew where the two narratives were going and how they were going to come together at the end of the book. Apart from yesterday, I've managed to write something every day but rather than start typing with the excitement of what's coming up next in the story, I'm worrying about whether 'this' would happen or 'that' doesn't seem right. For me finishing the story is proving so much harder than it was at the beginning. 

I follow Susanna Bavin's Blog and because of all this self-doublt, I remembered her thought-provoking post from October 10th entitled Is Your First NaNoWriMo Bound To Be The Best? This is a sample of what she said:
In all the NaNos I've done since, I've never repeated that original sense of satisfaction. The second year, determined to hit 50,000, I used NaNo to work on the edit/rewrite of a first draft. That month, I stormed to a glorious 55,000...except that it didn't feel glorious. It felt like cheating.

Lesson learned. The next year, I worked on something new, but, though I worked hard on it, that first-time achievement didn't return. In fact, all these NaNoWriMos and CampNaNoWriMos later, I've never recaptured it. I wonder why. Is it because, having done it once, you never again experience that sharp sense of panic? That"What have I let myself in for?" feeling?

Is that what's happening to me? Perhaps I shouldn't try to emulate the feeling of satisfaction I had last year but just accept that the novel is at a different stage now. I'll still try to write every day but I won't be concerned if I fail to reach the goals set. After writing so many words and learning so much in the process, I know I will regret it if I give up now.  

Did any of you find the last part of your first draft the hardest to write? Can you please give me any tips on how to deal with this self-doubt? Did any of you change how you approached a first draft after writing your first book? Any advice will be gratefully received. :-)

Thank you for reading. I look forward to reading your comments.
You may also follow me on Twitter @JanBayLit and on my Jan Baynham Writer Facebook page.

10 comments:

  1. Hi, Jan. All these feelings are normal. I'd just write anything when you feel like that. Forget the story, and write a paragraph with one character speaking to you for instance. Then have another character speaking to you, and so on. This will keep you in the story as such, even if it's not following the story. Then put two characters together having an argument. I've halted on my planning nano, as I've been messing around with Redington again. Any writing is good, don't panic. It's the fear of the finished thing maybe.

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    1. Thanks for the advice, Sue. I think you're right - once I start writing I feel better and at least I have written something almost every day. I think it's the feeling that it's not up to scratch that bothers me. However, if I don't finish it, I'll never know! It's these grey November days I expect and I just need to go to Sicily... for research purposes! ;-) Thanks for popping by to comment. Good luck with Redington.

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  2. I've changed my method with each novel, Jan - but the biggest change came between the first and the others. With the first one we don't really know what's involved and what can go wrong!

    With the 2nd, 3rd etc though we do know we've done it at least once before, so we CAN do it again.

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    1. Thanks, Patsy, that's interesting. It's good for me to read this as I work towards the unknown. There will certainly be things I'll change next time...if there is a next time, ha, ha! Thank you for your comments. :-)

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  3. I think that lack of confidence is a normal part of the process for all of us, Jan. Of course, if it strikes during Nano, it feels even worse. May I suggest you take some time to read an earlier part of your novel, which you feel pleased with - just to remind yourself of how good your work is. I'm so flattered that you have included quote from my blog here. I'm just sorry that your second Nano is proving tough. The main thing is not to give up. Sending you lots of positive vibes xx

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    1. Thank you for those, Sue, and your advice. The blog you wrote was very interesting and when I read it the first time I only had last year's NaNo experience to draw on. I remembered the post when I started getting into difficulties and on re-reading, it definitely struck a chord. I'm pleased to say I'm back on track - not on the word count but on the positive attitude front - and feel I know where I'm going again. A big thank you for your support as always. :-)

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  4. My first Nano was definitely the most exciting and enjoyable (in a scary way!) I only found out about it a few days before it started so I plunged in on Day 1 with no idea what I was going to write. I started with one character, found out a bit about her, let her introduce me to her friends and family, found out more about them, gave them all some problems to solve ... At the end of the month, I had a clear idea of the beginning and end of the story - but no idea what was going to happen in the middle! It all seemed complete nonsense but I saved it before going back to 'proper' writing.
    Two years later, I looked through it and was amazed to find how real the characters seemed to me. It was like meeting up with old friends. I also started to get ideas about how they were going to solve the problems I'd given them, and how I could weave some sub plots together ... I then started rewriting my Nano novel, only this time I started by making a detailed chapter plan and then writing a first draft very slowly!
    I've done several more Nano's but I've made the mistake (for me, anyway) of starting with a plot that I've already worked out so, instead of just writing the first words that come to me, and letting the characters wander where they please, I've struggled to get into true Nano writing mode because I was too concerned with finding the 'right' words.
    If I commit to doing it next year, I'll try not to think about it until 1st November.

    Self-doubt? I don't know of any cure for it, but the great thing about Nano is that you don't have to show your writing to anyone. Just keep adding to the word count even if you think it's rubbish. The more you have, the more you'll be able to cut, and edit, and rewrite ... and you might even find some bits that are so good they'll amaze you!
    Good luck!

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    1. Thank you, Linda. Your comments are very interesting and they concur with what I'm finding. Perhaps the unknown of last year was what made it so successful for me. I'm definitely a planner at heart so just writing words and letting characters wander is not how I would normally write. Thanks for the encouragement! I think I'm back on track now and with just a few days of November left, my goal is to complete the first draft and not worry about the word count. I appreciate you stopping by to comment. :-)

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